The Christmas Shopping (Extremely Mathematical) Straight Line Graph

Christmas Eve Last Year (and also all the other years):

9am Cool, calm and collected, you scan your presents list and enjoy a coffee while waiting for the shops to open. You’ve got this.

10am and you’ve picked out a jumper for your Mam. It cost way too much and you’re still not certain she’s going to like it. But you’ll never be certain. So you’ve got to just move on with your life.

11am and the streets look like an anti-flashmob. Everybody is moving but nothing is in sync. It’s chaos.

12noon. Apologising profusely to people who are elbowing you in the face, you decide that you don’t care, at all, that you’re brother already owns a set of Beatz Headphones. He’s getting a saecond pair. You have a to-do list and that’s another item ticked off.

1pm You’re cursing the stupid coffee that has you in a sweaty queue for a smelly bathroom cubicle for the last 20 minutes.

2pm You just remember the shops close at 3.

3pm There’s not a hope you’re wrapping these when you get home. They should be grateful they are getting anything at all.

4pm Sitting in a traffic jam listening to Mariah Carey on the radio for the bazillionth time this week, your new years resolution is to begin your Christmas Shopping in August of next year. Or, you know, book a flight to the Canaries for this time next year and turn off your phone.

7 Steps to make Christmas easy:

Scrap the CD’s, books, dvd’s, jumpers, scarfs, perfume sets, toys and socks. Follow these 7 steps

  1. Light the fire and put your feet up.
  2. Whip out your phone/tablet, laptop.
  3. Order you’re Grandad a yearly subscription for National Geographic online.
  4. Grab you’re partner a one-for-all voucher with a personalised photo on the gift card. Just make sure it’s something the sales assistant in river island won’t mind seeing when it’s handed over the counter.
  5. Your parents will love a hotel voucher, your sister a kindle gift card and your brother an iTunes gift card.
  6. The nieces and nephews will love a voucher for the Nintendo eShop and their parents will love listening to them fight over what game they can all play together.

You, on the other hand, will really love having all these gifts arrive to your doorstep.

One last thing. Don’t forget about…

The Giving of Gifts (Extremely Mathematical) Straight Line Graph

8. Grab some boxes and bows in your nearest euro saver store. Whether it’s a printed email or official looking plastic card —pop it in there.

Now it looks pretty and your love for the other person will go unquestioned for another 365 days of the year.

Everyone’s happy.